I died when I was 10-years- old. I didn’t literally die or physically die; but it felt as though, at 10-years-old, a part of my soul was killed when I was molested for the first time. I lost a part of myself that day that has taken me nearly 20 years to get back. My innocence was ripped from me like a New Year's Eve confetti popper. It was as though one small string of my being was pulled from me igniting a massive eruption of all of the contents within. Such a tedious task trying to collect all of the tiny pieces and gather them back inside where they once were.
While this platform is not about my childhood or sexual abuse, it’s important to understand in general terms the foundation and catalyzing events that have led me to the realizations and questions that we will discuss and explore together in subsequent posts.
I didn’t know what happened to me that day or any of the other days that the abuse occurred over the following 10 years. It was natural for me to believe that it was happening to me as punishment for something that I had been doing wrong. That's where the genesis of the ShouldBe began for me. I allowed myself to believe that if I did everything that I should do, and became the person that I ShouldBe, the abuse would stop.
At 10-years-old, I set out on a quest for the ShouldBe; listening to everyone around me and becoming who I thought they wanted me to be, completely stifling my own desires. I created a disillusioned idea of what a woman ShouldBe, what life ShouldBe and ultimately who I ShouldBe. In reality, the only thing that stopped the abuse was me choosing to save myself, finding myself and being true to myself.
It took me 20 years- and the world crumbling around me- for me to realize that I was my own savior. All along, all I needed to do was love myself where I was and not where I thought I ShouldBe. That missing piece in my heart kept me from experiencing the freedom it is to be who you truly are. It also prevented me from living- I mean really living and loving life.
One year ago to the day, I had everything that I thought I wanted. I had just gotten married, owned a beautiful home in the suburbs, had a dog, financial stability and a successful career. I was on the brink of beginning my new family and a new life. I laid my abuse down to rest when I walked down the aisle and I saw my wedding day as a fresh start as a new woman. I felt as though I literally became a new person when I changed my name. My wedding day made me feel like I had the freedom to be myself for the first time in my life. I had no idea how true that was going to turn out to be.
I quickly realized after the wedding that even though I had everything that I dreamt life ShouldBe, I still found myself fearfully unhappy. Why? That was a question that swarmed through my mind tirelessly like bees in a hive. I'd been allowing people to desire for me my whole life, even down to the simplest of things like what I would eat for lunch. I didn’t know how to desire anything except for what I wore. In fact, shopping was the only indulgence that I've ever reserved for myself; which is probably why it became somewhat of an addiction. You can imagine my surprise when I literally woke up one morning with the strongest realization that my life had become a shell of what I thought it ShouldBe and nothing of what I truly wanted it to be. I had no idea how to deal with feeling a desire of my own for the first time. The thought of the number of people who were going to be impacted by my desire was completely terrifying considering that I've sacrificed myself for everyone else my entire life. I never believed that I really deserved happiness, so the only thing that resembled happiness for me was doing whatever I could to make everyone around me happy. Accepting that what I truly wanted would hurt all of the people who I loved was absolutely maddening. I genuinely felt like I was losing my mind. How was it possible that my heart wanted me to move in such a drastic direction? Why couldn’t I be happy with everything that I had?
Things can’t make you happy...that’s why.
It was a very difficult moment sharing with my husband that everything I thought I wanted, which included being a traditional mother and wife, was not who I felt I truly was. It wasn’t fair to go back and alter the expectations; but I knew in my heart that I could never be the mother and wife that I wanted to be if I stayed in the relationship that I'd settled in.
That single blessed moment of self realization set into motion a whirlwind of emotions and events that led me to re-evaluate everything that I've ever believed. When I say that I've questioned everything I mean everything about life and relationships; specifically, relating to love. This quest opened me to opportunities and relationships that have allowed me to realize that life is fluid. There is no one single way of living life the way it ShouldBe lived. We all have a story. We all struggle to understand our own desires. We all want to do the “right” things. We all place way too much pressure on ourselves and care way too much about what other people think about our choices and our feelings.
What I have realized is that there is so much out there to experience in life. We can’t limit ourselves and we shouldn’t have to feel caged or enticed to conform. I am divorced, childless, homeless, single and thirty and I can’t allow myself to care about the negative connotations any of these labels may hold. It has been extremely difficult for me to let go of how I thought my life ShouldBe and accept this new path, but I have to. I have to find happiness where I am. I've spent way too much time surviving life not to allow myself the freedom to truly live moving forward. I can’t rush through my life just to meet a self-imposed “deadline” that ultimately won’t bring me happiness. Letting go of the pesky worry about what other people will think and how they will judge me has been the ultimate struggle, and at times has intimidated me enough to contemplate retreating back into my old life. I struggle daily with the embarrassment that comes along with admitting out loud that I am all of these labels. This worry is completely self-inflicted though. When I find my mind becoming wrapped up in all of these “things” I try to remember that they are only temporary. These "things" are all short term definitions of my current state and they can’t truly define me because I'm also a lot of other really amazing "things". I can’t worry about my biological fertility clock that ticks away or that other people won’t understand why I chose this. Neither should you.
I am not here to bash marriage. I believe it to be a beautiful union of two souls. We were meant to share our lives and ourselves with each other. I believe in family and building a life and a home with someone. I want more than anything to be married and start a family. I wanted it so badly that I settled for something that wasn’t healthy for me. I am not here to promote my lifestyle or my choices. What I am here to do is spark honest conversations about what we struggle with as millennial women. No matter how old you are, and no matter your life stage, there are glamorous aspects and also very difficult situations that ALL of us deal with. It’s time that we respect each other and our differences. It’s time that we support each other. I want to talk about not just what’s amazing in my life but also the trials that I face. I want to hear from people that feel the same pain and joy. I want to be motivated and lifted up by my fellow women. I want to support and lift them up too. For me, loving is living.
Welcome to the ShouldBe Society, a blog based forum for women to un-define what it is to be a woman. Let’s respect each other and connect despite our differences. Let’s be honest about life, what we struggle with and help each other overcome. Only we can say who we ShouldBe. Share this post, join the blog and get prepared for respectful dialogue about what’s real.