"Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"
Despite the normalcy and regularity of premarital cohabitation, or living together out of "wedlock", there's some truth behind the idiom. While hearing the sentence might bring a smile, it would be remiss not to discuss the ever growing war between Instant Gratification and Appreciation.
Seven years ago I was an advocate for premarital living situations. There's definitely a valid argument that supports knowing, understanding and accepting someone's habits, and what you are getting yourself into, prior to committing to something as infinite as what marriage is supposed to be. Living with someone is hard. Think about your own family growing up. I feel like it's normal to hate your family sometimes. Maybe hate might be a strong word, but you definitely don't like your family all of the time. You're bound to become annoyed when spending that much time with someone else. We're all different and that's ok.
Let's talk about college roommates for example. It's hard to find the right roommate. Once you find a compatible roommate, it's still difficult to like that person all of the time. She eats your leftovers that you were saving for when you got home from class or you always forget to put a new roll of toilet paper back on the holder after using the last piece. We all get annoyed sometimes. I believed- almost seven years ago- that it was critical to understand and accept someone's living habits before marriage for all of these reasons. I wanted to know that compatibility would exist in the household before I signed on the dotted line, but my over preparation failed me.
I'm not saying that if you live together before marriage then your relationship will end in divorce. I'm not even willing to debate it from a religious perspective. I'm also not saying that it's "wrong". What I am saying is that before agreeing to move in with someone, without the commitment of marriage intact or closely pending, it's important to ask yourself a very honest and simple question. What are we (women AND men) sacrificing?
For both women and men, when we engage in instantly gratifying behaviors do we inherently lose our ability to truly appreciate people, things and experiences?
I'm sure that my yearning to be a homemaker was some combination of my upbringing entwined with an inherent desire to nest; and it began kicking in more noticeably right around 24 to 25 years-old. This urge rapidly progressed and I found myself desperate to play "house". I willingly cooked, cleaned and decorated my premarital home like Martha Stewart on molly. At first, I found myself in a state of ecstasy. There wasn't much more that I needed as long as he took out the trash and me out on dates. Instantly, I was gratified. I wasn't prepared for the unraveling that would occur sans our continued appreciation for one another.
Taking on the homemaker role moved me from mouse to mother. In my opinion, this is the single most pivotal moment that causes relationships to shift. I've not been able to clearly define the cause or the moment in a relationship when "The Chase" is lost, but once the challenge dissapates it's almost impossible to reestablish its presence. The transition from mouse to mother only escalates when living together. You evolve from a challenge to be seized into a nag to be avoided. You move from hobby to chore and most people don't get excited about chores.
Let's talk about "The Chase". Courting brings a level of excitement that I'm sure everyone misses once they become "settled" into a relationship. I have to question- why do we need to settle at all? In fact, why does "The Chase" ever have to die?
The shift isn't just one-sided either. "The Chase" has its benefits for both people. Think about it in terms of cat and mouse. It's a challenge for the cat. It feeds his ego and engages his self esteem. The cat looks at the mouse as a prize, and that prize is everything to the cat. It's his only focus. For the mouse, the cat makes her feel desired. He challenges the mouse. Her ability to escape him feeds her ego. She thrives under the pressure of the cat's pursuit. "The Chase" makes both the cat and mouse the best versions of themselves. Sadly, once the cat seizes the mouse the game is over. The excitement dies. The cat is left with his old routine awaiting the next pursuit. The mouse is gone. She's literally lost once taken over by the cat. She no longer exists. While this dramatization is extreme, think about its truth.
I don't believe that bringing jealousy into a relationship is the way to perpetuate "The Chase". The harsh reality is that there are, in fact, some 7 billion people in the world. There's always someone else. ALWAYS. It's a choice to be successful in a relationship. That's what commitment is. I can't tell you how to maintain the chase. If I could, I'd be successfully married myself. I don't even know if being successfully married is a thing. What I am saying is that if you chose commitment, then you need to appreciate what you've chosen and who you are with every day. Every single day you ShouldBe reminding yourself why you chose that person. Maintaining the chase takes two, but it starts with you.
In terms of "buying the cow"- it doesn't matter if you're enjoying the free milk with no intention of purchase, if you decide to have a taste before the purchase, or go all in and purchase the cow without tasting the milk because she was just too pretty to pass up; always remember to appreciate her. She's special. She needs you to see it. She needs you to remind her, because once you've caught her she can only see herself through your eyes.
"Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" I don't know the answer. My only comment at this point is to remember to appreciate your decision no matter what you chose. All we can do is make the choice to appreciate every single day. That's the only difference that I can see from this view-but who am I?
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