I couldn't save myself, so I set out to save everyone else.
Source: http://shu84.blogspot.com/2012/08/webuildcastlesintheair-photography.html
I've spent my entire life trying to make up for the fact that I let myself be abused for so long. The only effort that seemed to provide any kind of relief was in turn protecting or helping those who I love, or those who are in need. I'm a fixer. I've become extremely versed in the art of fixing other people's problems. It's also one of the ways in which I show my love and gratitude for someone. I find my self-worth in serving others.
When does being helpful actually become hurtful?
I can't speak for all women, but there's an inherent quality in me that enables me to deeply connect to other people and their problems. It has become almost a sixth sense to where I can actually feel what other people feel. Simply, I have a heightened sense of empathy, almost to a fault. Overtime, I've clung very tightly to the qualities that I slowly discovered were a strength of mine. This helped me to focus and keep moving through the darkness. My creativity and helpfulness became two of my strongest personality traits, my gifts and my purpose.
Sometimes, I find myself so caught up and invested in everyone else's issues; and I forget that I'm not meeting my own needs. How do you balance being a friend, a wife , a mother, a sibling, a daughter, a philanthropist, a career and/or any other role that you choose to take on; and be successful at all of them simultaneously? How do you measure that success? How do you maintain success in all of your roles, while taking care of yourself at the same time? This is extremely overwhelming and something that I think a lot of people, not just women, struggle with.
How do we truly find a balance?
Recently, I have been beginning to really understand how being helpful might not always be truly healthy in relationships. Let's explore a hypothetical scenario.
I have a magnetic attraction to a man. In his presence, I feel like my inner being connects with my physical body, and I feel inexplicably and overwhelmingly empowered. The feeling is organic and new. It's as though he's held a mirror up to awaken me to realize how the world perceives me, and I've fallen madly in love with the woman in the mirror.
I'm not in love with him. I don't know him all that well, but I'm so thankful for his support and the perspective that he's given me through this transition. This is a debt that I seemingly can't repay. My past experiences have been rare in meeting a man who's so supportive. I'm so inspired by his compassion that I'm compelled to show him how very much I appreciate him.
I begin to reciprocate truly listening whenever we converse. My imagination becomes flooded with all the ideas in which I could address or resolve his problems. I start to take concrete steps in sharing my ideas and proposed improvements to bring resolution. I'm wildly passionate and also very able to bring ideas into fruition fairly quickly. Knowing my strengths, I move forward with repaying my debt in an effort to improve his life in the way that he's enhanced mine.
Here's the problem!
He doesn't know that he has impacted me that significantly, because there is a layer of superficiality that I reserve in order to protect myself. More simply, I haven't communicated my feelings. He's a very strong and successful man. He likely doesn't need my help. Thus, my intended "helpfulness'' and "thankfulness" actually translates as potential disrespect and implied incompetence from his perspective. What began with great intent is mistranslated with the poorest of outcomes. The interaction is quickly over before it's even started, because respect is more important to him than feeling loved.
I think this type of interaction, on some level, happens a lot between men and women. Regardless, it still spreads light illuminating a bigger picture. Our intention is only as good as our communication and our delivery. You can never assume that someone understands your motives. You also can't predict how someone will perceive your actions.
For now, my conclusion is this- the balance between being helpful and harmful in relationships can be determined by whether or not someone has solicited help. People complain as a natural form of communication, which very simply is just venting. The expression of experiencing a problem doesn't always mean that a person is seeking assistance. What I've recently found success in is asking the direct question, "How can I help you?" This has been effective in two major ways. One, it's very clear if they need help and are willing to accept it. Second, it's also very clear if your listening is help enough. If they aren't interested in the assistance the questions still shows your support, and that you're willing to be there should they feel more comfortable in the future. This is received with much more appreciation than the wildly passionate natural response detailed in the "scenario".
It's also really important to balance you're role in helping other people with their problems. Boundaries are essential. We can never truly be there for someone else if we aren't taking care of ourselves. I know that I need to be aware of the indicators that I subconsciously display when I start experiencing what I call "fixer burnout". This is when you've instinctively gotten yourself too caught up in the lives of those you love, and need to make a better effort to self-love. The fixers out there know exactly what I mean!
More and more, I realize the significance of both communication and setting healthy boundaries in relationships. I think sometimes people are scared to take these steps because they're afraid of making someone else feel badly. We feel how we feel though. Hiding or denying how we feel towards others only ultimately hurts them more than it would to simply set clear boundaries and communicate effectively. Being genuine is everything. I think people respect you more when you are thoughtfully direct. It's never what you say, but how you say it.
Take away- being a fixer is a great quality and being passionate is also beautiful. If you take care of yourself and communicate thoughtfully, being a fixer can really empower the people who you encounter. Sometimes, I do forget that I can't save the world; but that doesn't mean that I won't keep trying!
You tell me- How do you balance the roles you play in your life?
Comment, criticize, or share.