One of my goals for the ShouldBe Society was to make an attempt to be extremely thoughtful in my posts. Offending someone is the last thing I'd want. I want people to feel connected and less alone on whatever level that may be. With that said, it was necessary for me to turn inwards over the last few weeks as I navigated through an emotional period.
It's no secret that I've been moving through a divorce. I'm sure that most people can relate to the pain associated with dealing with any kind of a breakup. While breakups are difficult, I've found that it's very different from when you divorce someone. A looming possibility of breaking up always exists while dating. This can be very hurtful a lot of times, particularly, if you're the one being rejected. I think that's why so many people rush into getting married. Marriage provides a sense of security that differs from the commitment of dating and/or living together. It legally and spiritually fuses you to one another. For me, my marriage was more than just a vow to my husband. It was a promise to myself and my life. No one enters into marriage believing that it won't last forever. You get married with the specific intension of forever. A divorce is more than a breakup, it's the dissolution of the contract of forever. It doesn't matter how long you were married. Divorce is the death of a life, a dream and a promise. There's a sense of emptiness, grief and despair that can't truly be understood until you've felt it's wrath.
I've known that the official processing of my divorce was imminent. I knew that I'd be getting the final decree in the mail. What I didn't know, and what I wasn't prepared for, was the pain that I'd feel looking at the court sealed document officially announcing that I'd failed at the only thing that I'd ever truly wanted in life.
The only analogy I have is to compare it to the terminal illness of a family member or a close friend. Clichéd or not, time and the world literally slow their movement as the doctors tell you that the end is near. You're thoughtless for a moment before you allow yourself time to process the information. There's no immediate reaction available because your body has begun to let shock take over. You enter a state of being paralyzed. As you regain some of your senses, you put forth your best effort to gain some closure as life approaches its final stages. No matter how much time you have to prepare for death, no matter how much closure you think you have; the loss always aches the same. The grief is never lessened or prevented. It can only be felt in its truest capacity.
Grief is a nonstop train. All you can do is allow it to happen and then let it pass.
So, for the last few weeks that's where I've been; allowing the grief to pass. I'm sure it's no surprise that during this time I've done a lot of thinking about relationships and love. I suppose that's pretty much all I ever think about. While I think all sorts of things, I don't often find myself at a place where I truly believe something. A thought can change but a belief becomes part of your soul and who you are. I don't think that beliefs can change all that much.
I'm beginning to believe that I've found the paradigm for how men and women experience love. There are two separate components that explain what makes a man feel loved. Conversely, there are two completely different components that make a woman feel loved. It's my belief that a man needs to feel respected and appreciated in a relationship in order to "feel" loved. A woman needs validation through a sense of intimacy and safety in order to "feel" loved. I mean closeness and affection less than physical intimacy. This is where the communication gap lies.
respect and appreciation vs. intimacy and safety
Now, what makes a man feel appreciated and respected will vary tremendously from man to man; as well as, how much of each component he needs. One man might need more appreciation than respect and vice versa. The same can be said for women. How a woman receives intimacy or feels safe will vary from woman to woman. Some women might be looking for financial stability from a man, which would be considered safety. Another might need to feel physically safe in the presence of a man, and thus find herself seeking out high testosterone males. It's completely possible that this could also translate into same-sex couples, but I don't feel confident in commenting not being an expert. I will leave that to those of you who understand the subject more personally.
My conclusion is this, love is not about how you feel. Love is about how you make other people feel. Do you know what someone else needs? Are you aware of who they truly are? If you don't understand someone's needs can you ever really love them? For me, the answer is no. If you never get outside of yourself you can not love someone else.
I challenge you if you are in a relationship. Ask yourself, "What makes my partner feel loved?" Do you know the answer? Does the answer fall within the two basic categories? Now, ask yourself, "How do I feel love?" Do you know yourself?
You tell me. Comment, criticize, or share...