I had every intension of posting about a completely different subject, but I had to pause and take a moment to vent about something that's really been bothering me. I'll begin first by saying again that I believe in marriage. I understand all of the religious, legal and social obligations surrounding it. I also understand that we're faced with a society that fosters what ShouldBe. I'm not saying that all of the ShouldBe's in life are bad or negative either. I'm simply committed to forcing people to question the norm and judge others less if and when they choose a different path, because it's what's right for them.
There's a level of emotional negativity that I feel when someone pities my life. People frequently have looked deep into my eyes, held my hand and told me how sorry for me they are because I'm divorced. I completely understand that their intension is to comfort me, but honestly it's actually insulting when someone assumes that it's sad for me to be single. There are definitely days when I am sad. There are days when I could use affection and attention. There are days when I do wish I had a partner. Some days, I do just want to lay in my bed and pretend that the world doesn't exist; but I feel like that's simply a part of life, and it's not specific to my life in particular. All of us have some days that aren't the best. All of us miss things that we don't have. Right now for me a relationship is just one of those things.
MY LIFE IS NOT SAD.
Why is it sad if someone isn't married? Why is it sad if someone doesn't have children? I was definitely one to have pitied someone who was older and never married or never had kids. Why? My current position has since shifted how I feel in this regard. I can't speak for every single or divorced person out there, but I'm not sad. It's not sad that I got divorced. It was the best decision that I've ever made in my entire life. I'm living for the first time in my life. I'm exploring people and relationships for the first time. I go through each day with an awareness that I never thought existed. My life is beautiful. All lives are beautiful quite frankly. Just because a life is different or someone is experiencing something that you couldn't imagine, or you feel like you couldn't deal with, doesn't mean that life is sad or has any less value. Who am I to pity someone else?
There is a huge difference between pity and empathy. I think that a lot of people whose intention is to show empathy actual display pity.
Pity: the feeling of sorrow and compassion caused by the suffering and misfortunes of others.
vs.
Empathy: the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.
When you tell me how sorry you are for what is happening in my life you are implying your judgment and that I'm suffering and/or having misfortune. I'm sure that for some people, getting divorced is a misfortune. There was even a time for me when it was. I suppose that pity could be acceptable if I've shared my sadness with you. Regardless of its appropriateness, there is a sense of judgment associated with pity. Pity has a level of negativity that is hurtful when you're on the receiving end. Essentially, pity makes me feel abnormal. Pity makes me feel different and disconnected. Empathy connects us. It relates us to one another. Empathy is a significantly less judgmental alternative to express concern.
No one wants to be pitied, but everyone can benefit from empathy. I challenge you. Before you tell someone how sorry you are for what they're experiencing, stop and ask yourself- am I really sorry for their life? Chances are you're not. Life is a journey and we learn the most pivotal lessons through the hardest struggles. Our hardships aren't something to pity, they're something to admire and embrace as we power through and overcome.
I'm not sad about my life. I'm not sad for you either, but I do get you (or at least I'll try to). Share this post with someone who you empathize with. Celebrate their journey and honor their life.