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The little demon, insecurity
women
The secret struck harder than the trauma.
Certain secrets just aren’t healthy to carry with you. It’s always felt like I went through life carrying an added weight to my soul. I felt like I was participating in a triathlon; but was the only participant who had to carry a backpack of everything that I owned, without any additional training. The struggle to persevere through running, biking and swimming is hard enough; without the added weight. The weight of the pack always grew as I traveled each mile. At a certain point, the weight was so great that I was falling so far behind everyone else. I was alone in a wasteland, with a bunch of things I didn’t need. No one was there to pick me up when I'd fall.
The last 9 months have felt like I was in the last stretch of the race. The weight of the pack was pulling me under water. I felt like I was literally drowning. Sometimes pressure can bring about an awareness that you never imagined. Suffocating, I realized that I didn't need the pack anymore. In Fact, I likely never needed to carry it with me in the first place. What I thought I needed to carry with me was nothing of what I needed moving forward. I made the difficult decision to drop that shit and watch it tumble and sink without me attached. I gained so much strength carrying the baggage for so long, that I was able to take off moving forward with great speed. Whoever handed me that pack in the first place must have known my destination.
Letting go of all of the ShouldBe’s in my life was miraculous. My secret slowly ate away at my soul. Do you know how difficult it is to hide a life altering traumatic experience every day for an extended period of time?
Let me explain what it was like for me.
Your entire life slowly changes its course in the universe and you begin revolving your life around hiding your secret. There isn’t one choice that you make that doesn’t have the goal of covering up your secret at its root. I couldn’t make eye contact or feel comfortable if someone was within an arm's length of me. I always felt that if someone got too close, or if I looked them in the eyes for too long, then they would know that I wasn’t at all the person that I’d projected myself to be. They would know that something was “wrong” with me. Living in that sort of survival mode on a daily basis is poisoning.
There is no timeline that indicates when a person ShouldBe "over" something that happened in the past. Yes, it's extremely important to move forward in life; but letting go isn't always so easy. A lot of times, we think that we've let go only to realize that we are still living and breathing it.
My abuse is something that I deal with on a daily basis. Even today, I still have to manage issues that are residual. I'm not angry anymore because I realize now that any issues I'm working on, at one point, helped me survive- and for that I'm so thankful. Trauma affects each person differently. Where one person may move through the experience more quickly, another may be held there to manage the emotions longer. Trauma is like anything else in life, it's a personal experience that doesn't have designated structure and varies person to person. It reminds me of chemotherapy, there is no known reason for it but some people just tolerate the chemo better than others. You simply have to manage your symptoms in your own way.
I’m not saying that every person needs to take to the internet and detail all of their problems. What I am saying is that keeping a secret in order to hide who you truly are will kill your spirit. Whether you confide in a friend, a family member or seek out a therapist; you have to admit that you are struggling in order to find a way to really live. You have to ask for help AND be willing to help yourself.
I’m also saying that you absolutely can’t be critical and judge someone. Struggling doesn't make someone weak. Different situations cause people to act differently. The beauty of life, and the world, is that each of us are different. It's crucial in moving forward as a person that we respect our differences. I can’t expect every person to understand all of my struggles and I can’t expect everyone to understand why I am writing about all of this so publicly. That’s all ok, because if you don’t understand me then the message isn’t for you. That’s all part of life.
However, if there's one of you out there that feels less alone by my story; if there's one of you who's able to acknowledge what you need to do for you; or if there's only one person out there that finds a sense of peace in what I’ve learned- then every minute of what I’ve survived was worth it. You are not alone. I’m right here with you. My pain is kin to yours. I’m not special. I’m just like you, trying to figure out who I am and what life means. I'm just trying to make sense of it all too. You can make the changes that you need to in order to preserve. Choose to let go of the backpack you’ve been carrying. Do you really need it anymore? Did you ever really need to carry it?
Free yourself.
Share this with someone who's struggling. Let them know that they are not alone!
Anonymous is Acceptable
So this is basically how the process will work. I will post an anecdotal story and lead the discussion with some questions that I hope for us to explore. I will allow time for the conversation to evolve and then, based on activity, I will do a follow-up summary post.
One important thing to keep in mind is that you can comment on the site without entering your personal information. When you comment, a box will pop up asking for your name and information. The name field is all that is required to post a comment. You may enter "anonymous" if you aren't comfortable sharing your name. I don't know who the author of the post is if you choose to be anonymous. There is no tracking. I'd much rather you click the join link, enroll in the blog eNews letter and post anonymously than you be afraid to share!
It has taken me a very long time to get to a place where I am ok with sharing myself; and I don't expect that other people will be as openly public with the intimate details of their lives, what they think and how they feel. I realize how private these struggles can be. Anonymous is completely acceptable.
Expect the summary post tomorrow night! Don't forget to send any topic request to info@theShouldBeSociety.com. You can submit guest blogger requests to that email as well.
Rules for the journey
I am so grateful for the outpouring of support as I launched the blog with such a personal story of my experiences and evolution. I only hope to grow my perspectives further as we learn from each other through this process.
Before we jump into the conversation, I wanted to designate some ground rules for the communication that will occur.
- I don't expect every person to agree with the statements, views, suggestions and/or comments from myself or anyone else participating in the ShouldBe Society Blog conversations.
- I do expect that you will be extremely thoughtful in your comments. With that being said, it's imperative that contrary dialogue be issued respectfully.
- The ShouldBe Society does reserve the right to remove comments that are disrespectful, insulting, offensive and/or bullying in nature.
- This is a positive, nonjudgmental and supportive environment. I ask that you take your time and think about the purpose of the blog one last time before hitting "post".
This is a safe place for us to be real and explore life and love on an intimate level. Respect is everything.
Make sure you enter your information in the JOIN link, to receive notification of the most recent blog content. Also, remember to share the blog with your friends and family. The more who participate, the more we can achieve together!