Sexuality is frequently a controversial topic. I must admit that I’ve felt some trepidation in writing about the subject. However, I don’t believe that I could provide an authentic blog without exploring it. Whether we like to admit it or not, sexuality drives a large portion of our lives. It can impact who we are and how we're perceived by the world. Thus, I felt that it ShouldBe part of our exploration and process of un-defining and redefining what it means to be a woman.
At this point, you’re all aware of a small sampling of my history. It should come as no surprise that understanding and accepting my individual sexuality has been a huge challenge for me. As an adult woman, I appreciate other adult women who own and are in control of their sexuality. I have such admiration for a woman who breaks down societal barriers and indulges in uninhibited and instinctive experiences. I've desired to emulate the ability to freely experiment. Unfortunately, the more I try to explore this side of myself arbitrarily; the more embarrassed, introverted and awkward I feel.
My entire life has remained a struggle to match my internal and external being. I’ve always felt imbalanced in a sense. Being objectified at such a young age created a resentment and detachment between my “self” and my “body”. I grew up being very acutely aware that men were primarily interested in my body. Consequently, I also became a very thoughtfully evolved and mindful individual. I viewed male interest in my “body” as a negative. This transitioned into physical self-loathing and esteem issues. I never realized the control and power that I actually held. I think seeing this power in other women is what I envied the most. Interestingly enough, I had high self esteem when it came to who I was as a person. This was a paradigm of sorts. I built my life around trying everything that I could to make my physical self the ShouldBe “perfect” image. I tried endlessly to achieve equality between who people perceived me to be and who I was, but I always found myself defeated. To this day, nothing breaks my heart more than when someone rejects who I am and is only interested in me physically, which is really me avoiding the truth that I break when I feel like I'm being used sexually.
I don’t think that it’s wrong for women to explore themselves sexually. I am a firm believer that, whether you are male or female, you have the right to do whatever you chose with your own body. This is, obviously, as long as those actions aren't detrimental to someone else. There's definitely been an increasing shift in female sexuality and the concept of women being able to have “free sex like a man”. I’m completely on board with each person being able to chose what's best for them individually, but I do have to question if giving freely into our sexual desires as women removes some of our inherent power? Maybe it's even bigger than that. Do we, both men and women, lose something spiritually when we overly indulge in our sexual desires?
It's my, possibly biased, opinion that sex drives a lot of male intentions and interactions. The pursuit of sexual encounters seems like a very critical part of male relationships. Are we giving up our power too easily by essentially fighting fire with fire in a sense?
It's been my observation that when a woman, whether consciously or subconsciously, meets a person that she feels attracted to she actually wonders whether or not she "could” see herself marrying that person. Essentially, the goal of dating for a female is to find "the one". Conversely, it appears to me that male intentions for dating are to have any sort of sexual encounter with the person of attraction. There's not much more beyond sex that's initially part of the thought process.
My question is, what would happen if women removed marriage from the table? No one sits down at a restaurant for dinner with dessert pre-plated infront of them, before even ordering the entree. How would the interaction change if there wasn't so much pressure to find the one? Where did the idealization of “the one” come from anyways? Do we inherently look for one true soul mate or is this a conditioned ShouldBe ideal of sorts?
In the same way, how would interactions shift if men eliminated sex as the driving force behind their interactions? Are men even capable of being genuinely interested in a woman’s mind?
I know what my experience has taught me, but that doesn’t mean that my perspective is the only truth or reality. My life experiences led me to make the other person the focus during sex. I never really allowed myself to explore my wants and needs. My sexuality has evolved from a series of synthetic performances that ultimately were some epically awkward and inauthentic displays. I know more than anyone what it's like to experience the sexual ShouldBe’s, and I can tell you first hand that exploring and better understanding this side of myself can't be attained during any one-night-stand encounters. This experience has to be procured by connecting with someone on a much deeper level, which is much easier said than done.
Trust. Sex ShouldBe trust.
When there is genuine trust in sex there is an ethereal supernatural occurrence. Why wouldn't you wait for that kind of trust? That's easy for me to say now having had a lifetime of experiences that have led me to this conclusion. I'd be remiss if I didn't take this opportunity to get up onto my soap-box. In a world where we seek immediate gratification in almost all aspects of our lives, what would happen if we paused for just a moment and really gave thought to the power of our sexuality and what it means?
I don't know if I have any young followers out there. If you're there, it's in my heart to challenge you to think about your sexuality and what it means. We have the ability to carry life inside of our bodies as women. We literally have the gift of life within us, and equally so do men. We have a real power. Do you sacrifice your power to just anyone? I believe that's something to really invest thought in before relishing in any relationship lacking trust.
Sex ShouldBe more than an alcohol induced indulgence in a physical attraction. Sex isn't a poker chip or negotiating tool. Sex isn't a way to control someone else. Surprisingly, sex isn't just about climax.
trust. confidence placed in a person by making that person the nominal owner of property to be held or used for the benefit of another or others.
Sex ShouldBe trust.
You tell me what sex ShouldBe? Comment, criticize, share...