This cliche has been following me like a crazed teen on Instagram. My life continues to evolve through a compilation of consecutive themes that unveil slowly and then seamlessly transition into the next set of experiences. Each trend opens my eyes to something I hadn't seen clearly. It feels like I'm experiencing a different mystical awakening at every turn throughout a journey that has an unforeseen destination. The interconnectedness of these "themes" is poetic, spiritual and completely breathtaking. This particular theme, however, has truly brought this past year's journey full circle.
It's no question that I've been exploring love to the point of obsession over the last year. I've teetered back and forth tirelessly from believing in soul mates to thinking that true love is all one disappointing delusion. In one breath, I'd raddle off exactly what I want in a relationship, a soul mate and love. Without even taking a second breath, I'd continue on to tell you how I questioned whether or not men want intimacy and commitment in the way that women do. My thought process has been polar and completely fluid. This is the constant struggle that has always existed in my life between my rationality and my intuit.
My truth is that the only thing that I've ever truly wanted in my life is to love and BE loved. Historically, I've settled and accepted my rationality's definition of what love ShouldBe; but I've never allowed myself the opportunity for love to simply BE. While accepting the ShouldBe, I desperately cried out to God and the universe for what my soul believed love to BE.
“Colpo di fulmine. The thunderbolt, as Italians call it. When love strikes someone like lightning, so powerful and intense it can’t be denied. It’s beautiful and messy, cracking a chest open and spilling their soul out for the world to see. It turns a person inside out, and there’s no going back from it. Once the thunderbolt hits, your life is irrevocably changed.”
― J.M. Darhower, Sempre
I had lunch recently with a very close friend and volunteer of mine. I've been close with him and his wife, who can no longer volunteer, since I started my job almost 5 years ago. This is a man who loves his wife. I've spent almost 5 years in awe of their relationship. It has always given me a sense of hope to hear how much he adores her both in her presence and, more importantly, in her absence. Needless to say, I've always cherished the moments that I get to spend with them. In confidence, I've shared some of my recent struggles; but more than hearing my story, I think that the visible physical changes that have occurred over the last year were most concerning to him. So he finally asked me to lunch to check on me now that I "seemed to be smiling again".
We talked a lot about life as usual. I explained to him all of the new obstacles this generation faces in a dating scenario. We laughed about my inability to follow text messaging social norms and I complained about the lack of personal interaction. I'm sure it would've been entertaining to watch a 30 something and a 70 something relate on these types of philosophies, but I guess this only solidifies that I genuinely am an old soul. After allowing myself to be vulnerable briefly about my "dating" life; I finally felt compelled to ask,
"How did you know that Sandy was the one?"
"Well, I think the Italians have a word for it, but it truly felt like I was struck by lightening," he replied.
They met, they fell, and they have spent the rest of their lives together. This one example changed everything for me. It all hit me in that moment, just like lightening. It's not naïve to believe in something that's real. It's not unrealistic to wait for something special. We only get one shot at life. I fully accept the rarity of it, but I've seen it more than once. I would rather hold out until the ends of the earth than to give up on the feeling of my knees collapsing beneath me at least once.
I realized that I've gone through this last year wearing rubber soled shoes in an effort to ward off this type of strike. How silly? Why would I want to delay something that I've already been waiting for my whole life? When I think back, I realize that I've strategically been dodging the strike and throwing barriers up in front of something that naturally wants to happen. I've been ShouldBe-ing myself into situations that aren't essentially who I am simply for the sake of the "experience". The reality is that there is no right timing for certain things. I don't need to be dating if that's not really what my heart wants. I don't need to do or feel anything that isn't 100% natural for me. It all has to be organic. The secret is that in order for lightening to strike you have to be open to it and you can't be expecting it.
You can't embrace the moment and succumb to fear at the same time. I can't continue to fight the opportunity to experience something that I genuinely want simply out of fear. Whether it's the fear of failure, of being vulnerable, of rejection, or of a broken heart; I can't build a fortress around me just because it feels safe. I won't opt for shallow relationships just to protect my heart. Why would I protect my heart from what it wants?
"You never know, Lightening could strike."
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